do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize