We won't sleep together?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
