we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
