youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
