Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
