morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
