It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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