i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize