Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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