He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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