Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
