We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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