Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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