I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
