I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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