i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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