Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize