who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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