then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
