Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
