When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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