i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize