Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
