I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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