Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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