there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
what day is it and did you see me today?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
