I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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