Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
