just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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