when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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