yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
