tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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