You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
