if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Bring me that man meat
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
