I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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