I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
