Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's Friday. Sex?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
