She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
