I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
