He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
