he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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