i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize