I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
