Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
