I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize