totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
