I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
