My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this just has baby written all over it
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All I want is dick and wine.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize