I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I deserve this hangover.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
