you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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