i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
