Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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