Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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