'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
