she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize