Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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