Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
