We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
