I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
