My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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