I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
