I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
