i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
