To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
