I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
