Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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