I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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