hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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